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I was sitting with a radical of my colleagues successful a physicians’ meeting, hammering retired argumentation changes and standards for diligent care. The speech coiled down arsenic we neared the extremity of the workday, and chatter shifted from concern to our play plans. Others successful the radical shared their household plans for kid’s activities and creation recitals. I shared that I was going to Las Vegas.
“It’s due to the fact that she doesn’t person kids,” 1 of the doctors said. Those six words fell retired of his rima with small effort and hung successful the mediate of the country successful the infirmary wherever I had worked for 9 years.
Laughter broke the silence, and the speech moved backmost to the concern astatine hand. People packed up to leave, but I kept turning implicit his words, which felt large and heavy.
My reproductive choices had been casually brought up and past discarded successful the mediate of our different collegial conversation. In an instant, my joyousness had been made small. My child-free beingness was the butt of a joke.
As a pistillate successful my 40s, I was nary alien to unsolicited comments astir my prime not to person kids. Since these judgments were acquainted to me, I usually shrugged them off, but this infinitesimal deed differently. Over the adjacent fewer days, I pondered the code of my colleague’s words and what they implied. Did helium mean that due to the fact that I didn’t person children, I didn’t person immoderate responsibilities astatine all, truthful of people I could tally disconnected to enactment successful Vegas?
I’ve often encountered the conception that a pistillate without kids is someway absolved of each life’s burdens and efforts. A deficiency of children, apparently, is the lone crushed I tin person fun. Sure, determination are perks to not having kids, but the presumption that my autonomy comes without the mean value of quality acquisition is flawed. As an world surgeon astatine a large aesculapian hospital, I person plentifulness of responsibilities. I besides person radical I attraction for extracurricular of enactment and galore who trust connected me. My escaped clip is filled with travel, friends and truthful overmuch love. My beingness has unthinkable value. So why, to the world, isn’t my beingness enough?
“When a pistillate can’t person kids she is often portrayed arsenic bittersweet and damaged, but if she simply won’t, she is either deluded, destined to regret it, oregon written disconnected arsenic a acold hearted, narcissistic, and vocation obsessed,” Ruby Warrington writes successful her book, “Women without Kids.” Though I person an precocious acquisition degree, a location and a beingness partner, I person often felt the request to minimize oregon support my beingness choices to specified acquaintances. Even much frustrating, erstwhile I americium frank astir the information that I don’t privation to person kids, I person been made to consciousness selfish oregon warned I volition regret my choices. I person been fixed aggregate warnings that my vocation volition ne'er beryllium arsenic fulfilling arsenic motherhood — that my life, successful general, could ne'er beryllium “full” without children.
With each unsolicited remark made to maine implicit the years, the lens done which the satellite sees my beingness has been made progressively clear: A woman’s worthy is based solely connected her willingness to reproduce — not connected her intelligence, her enactment oregon her contributions to society. My quality to execute lifesaving surgery, my community, my household and each my different aspirations — look to number for small erstwhile I reply “no” to having kids.
I’ve tried to explicate the mode I americium perceived by my women friends with children, immoderate of whom are besides professionals successful high-powered fields. But adjacent successful these circles of sisterhood, I person recovered it hard to convey the unsocial cognition women without kids face.
“I’m truly atrocious that I speech astir my kids truthful much,” 1 person responded aft I tried to explicate the static I heard from others erstwhile stating that I would not person kids. I was truthful confused and painfully alert of the immense disconnect betwixt america astatine that moment. While I was attempting to item the broad judgement by nine connected women without children — and however overmuch I person struggled to flooded different people’s assumptions that I indispensable beryllium distraught astir the beingness I truthful bask oregon the thought that my state is someway conditional and impermanent — the speech with my person had seemingly lone aroused guilt successful her for the galore times she shared saccharine memories oregon insignificant complaints with maine astir her kids. She couldn’t recognize that her beingness — her prime — did not marque maine sad. My comments weren’t astir her life. They were astir mine.
Once, astatine a gathering astir improving the workplace for women, I asked a radical to place what else, extracurricular of gestation and motherhood, we could enactment connected to assistance advocator for each nonrecreational women successful the hospital. The responses were bare and confused. What different issues could determination be, they wondered.
Over time, I’ve travel to judge that this singular maternal absorption for advancement and improved enactment successful the workplace is isolating and narrow. In the aesculapian tract especially, portion overmuch has been written astir the moving mother’s position and the deficiency of enactment she is apt to person — each existent and worthy of our corporate attraction — determination are truthful galore different issues women look successful the workplace that are minimized arsenic a effect of beating this single drum. What astir wage differences, delayed promotion and nonrecreational advancement, and deficiency of capable enactment and mentorship for each women successful the workplace? The sole absorption for the advancement of women professionals seems to beryllium not expanding their occurrence professionally but alternatively however to make boundaries with enactment to get them backmost to their “true” calling and purpose: motherhood.
Conversations astir my reproductive beingness person travel successful each shapes and sizes, but the astir communal 1 has been with some men and women who person tried to person maine that I americium wrong. I would beryllium “so good” astatine it, they say, particularly fixed that I enactment with children each day.
At 43, I’ve been told galore times it’s not “too late” to go a mother. Someone erstwhile adjacent tried to person maine to person children by telling maine that I wouldn’t ever acquisition the extent of emotion that exists successful the satellite without them. While I applaud the technological advances that beryllium that let women who privation to person children aboriginal successful beingness to bash so, for those of america who don’t, the information that shows these aboriginal pregnancies are analyzable are worthy much than a passing glance. Women physicians are besides much apt to hold childbearing, and they experience accrued infertility, miscarriage and gestation complications astatine higher rates erstwhile compared to the wide public. None of these aspects of childbearing ever look to origin into conversations with radical who similar to deliberation I conscionable request immoderate “convincing,” nor does the thought that, perhaps, I person done my probe and made an informed and assured decision.
The information is I didn’t ever consciousness definite I didn’t privation kids. There was a clip erstwhile I wanted to beryllium a mother, a information I usually support to myself for fearfulness that others volition construe this accusation arsenic hard grounds for the secret, closeted uncertainty I indispensable person astir not having kids.
But I volition archer you this: I erstwhile thought a agleam airy would flip connected successful my caput and heart, and I would cognize beyond a shadiness of a uncertainty that I wanted to beryllium a mother, similar the satellite said I would. That airy did crook connected a fewer times but was ne'er rather arsenic radiant arsenic I expected. Then, successful 2020, I watched arsenic the satellite was ravaged by COVID-19, and I recommitted myself to my work, which had ever fixed my beingness truthful overmuch meaning. As I witnessed the emergence of progressively hostile policies astir women’s bodies and choices, I besides remembered that each these interactions I had with friends, strangers and loved ones were the effect of a larger taste content astir the way a woman’s beingness should take, alternatively than astir what she wants. And erstwhile I truly thought agelong and hard astir what I wanted for my life, alternatively than what I was told would springiness it the “most” value, the airy switched disconnected for good.
This effort was primitively published successful August 2024 and we are rerunning it present arsenic portion of HuffPost Personal’s “Best Of” series.
Caitlin A. Smith is simply a surgeon and writer successful the Pacific Northwest. Her idiosyncratic essays connected surgical grooming and experiences person appeared connected Doximity. She is presently penning her archetypal book, a firsthand relationship astir beingness and experiences of women successful medicine. Find her astatine @miseducationofaknife connected Instagram and Substack.
This nonfiction primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful October 2025.
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