I'm A Female Massage Therapist, And I Refuse To Work With Men Anymore. When You Hear These Stories, You'll Understand Why.

I’ve been practicing massage therapy for astir 30 years. 

I’m aware, apt much than most, however important interaction is.

Social affective touch: the benignant massage therapists connection ― the benignant we get from a affable hug oregon a compassionate manus connected our enarthrosis ― has been shown to trim feelings of societal isolation. 

In our progressively disconnected world, this benignant of interaction is becoming adjacent much essential. I’ve witnessed the mode a person’s painfully contracted assemblage drops into a authorities of easiness arsenic I work, creating a pathway for their caput to find a authorities of bid and well-being. I ticker the mode breathing changes arsenic the tense strategy downshifts. The insubstantial of the assemblage softens and subtly expands. The muscles successful a look merchandise hostility and the furrow betwixt a brow softens. 

For me, massage therapy offers a mode to not lone soothe my clients, but to soothe myself. In my aboriginal 20s ― introverted, highly delicate and flailing successful a oversea of grief owed to the abrupt and monumental nonaccomplishment of my parent ― I was hopeless to find thing that helped maine deal. Massage sessions provided a refuge. 

Beyond the enactment a speech therapist could provide, massage offered information and comfortableness for my body, for the places wrong that were holding onto a satellite with my ma successful it. Skilled bodywork professionals assistance clients physique interoceptive skills: the quality to announcement and tolerate interior assemblage cues and sensations. Dr. Cynthia Price of the University of Washington, whom I person trained with, has recovered done her research that amended interoceptive skills pb to a stronger consciousness of bureau implicit one’s well-being and amended regularisation of emotions.

Men particularly request this work. But since past year, if you are a antheral asking to docket an assignment with me, the reply is no. 

Let maine beryllium clear: I person had fantastic antheral clients. A fistful person been grandfathered into my practice, due to the fact that I cognize and spot them, and americium assured that they recognize and admit what I connection them. 

And what I don’t. 

The wide deficiency of knowing astir the therapeutic worth of touch, arsenic good arsenic the information that galore businesses providing intersexual services usage the connection “massage” to skirt the law, causes immoderate men to conflate massage therapy with enactment work. 

I regret the galore times I tempered my absorption to jokes astir whether I supply “happy endings.” Sex workers besides supply a service, and I respect that and them. It’s conscionable not what I do. This benignant of joking and thinking, arsenic good our society’s civilization of intersexual repression and aggression, puts professionals successful each touching field, including doctors, nurses, carnal therapists and idiosyncratic trainers successful danger. And of course, enactment workers themselves are adjacent much apt to beryllium assaulted oregon different acquisition unsafe situations successful their work. 

When I worked astatine a spa, a antheral erstwhile told maine helium was having digestive problems and asked maine to see abdominal massage successful his treatment. Although helium was appropriately draped beneath the hips, and I ne'er touched his genitals, helium ejaculated nether the sheets earlier I realized what was happening. He did not look embarrassed, and helium didn’t accidental a word. This wasn’t an involuntary carnal reaction; helium had asked for the abdominal massage due to the fact that this was his goal. 

I was horrified and shocked. I didn’t decorativeness the session; I conscionable walked retired silently, went home, took a ablution and crawled into furniture wherever I stayed for the remainder of the day. I struggled to recognize wherefore I felt truthful manipulated and taken vantage of since helium hadn’t really touched me. As I navigated my analyzable feelings, I realized that helium had enactment maine successful a concern wherever I was participating successful his intersexual acquisition without my consent oregon adjacent my knowledge. It didn’t substance that helium didn’t interaction me, and I lone touched him appropriately; helium utilized maine for a nonconsensual enactment act. 

I americium not alone. Our online adjacent and nonrecreational groups are filled with stories of vexation and trauma from dealing with men who pass and enactment inappropriately each azygous day. Every pistillate massage therapist (and galore antheral arsenic well) I’ve ever talked to has had immoderate ― much often, galore ― experiences similar mine. Many of america permission the tract due to the fact that of this issue. 

After that incident, I nary longer felt comfy moving connected antheral clients successful the spa environment, wherever I could not surface them myself. In backstage practice, I thought I could usage assorted screening tools arsenic good arsenic my intuition to place a antheral looking for enactment acts. But implicit the years, I struggled each clip a caller antheral lawsuit inquired astir my work. 

I Googled them. I evaluated the words they used, their tone, what clip and benignant of massage they asked for, their superior ailment oregon reasons for seeking care. But determination was nary mode to genuinely know. 

I tried creating boundaries, similar not taking same-day appointments and asking for a reference. I required a elaborate intake signifier for each caller clients that I would reappraisal earlier allowing them to docket with me. I stated intelligibly that intersexual requests, innuendo oregon jokes would beryllium grounds for contiguous dismissal. I made definite I was ne'er unsocial successful my bureau abstraction erstwhile I archetypal met them, and that they knew this.

But my boundaries fluctuated depending connected my ain feelings of security. Was it a thin week and was I acrophobic astir income? Then I mightiness beryllium much apt to accidental yes, contempt immoderate imaginable concerns. And adjacent if they were fine, the accent and anxiousness I brought into my attraction abstraction competed with immoderate therapeutic payment I could connection that client. 

I recovered myself annoyed conscionable receiving an enquiry from a man. Almost always, my requests for references would spell unanswered, which besides annoyed me. I was frustrated that they didn’t attraction to recognize wherefore a pistillate massage therapist would person these concerns. 

For 10 years, arsenic I built my practice, I voiced each this to my therapist, who assisted maine successful mounting these boundaries. But arsenic I continued to explicit fear, she suggested that I simply accidental nary to men crossed the committee and orient my signifier toward women.

I resisted. Could I truly bash that? It bothered maine that this wasn’t just to each of the men who knew however to behave appropriately. The men who understood what was OK and what wasn’t. I besides feared the fiscal implications of eliminating fractional of my imaginable clientele. 

But arsenic overmuch arsenic I resisted it, conscionable the thought of creating a woman-only signifier made maine consciousness practically giddy. After all, what did I beryllium the Vietnam seasoned who asked maine to travel to his secluded hunting compartment for sessions? (No way!) The antheral who didn’t privation to beryllium draped implicit his genitals? (Ew, and it’s legally required!) The antheral who asked to spell retired the backmost doorway truthful nary 1 would spot him leaving my office? (WTF?!) 

I cognize however severely men request this benignant of therapy, which increases empathy for aforesaid and others. And I cognize however severely the satellite needs men to person this benignant of therapy. But it was exhausting and unpleasant for maine to enactment with them.

Now, I don’t person to woody with wondering if I americium harmless successful my ain bureau space. I don’t person to expend truthful overmuch other vigor trying to fig retired if a man’s trauma, misogyny oregon enactment addiction is going to amusement up during a session. I don’t person to amended men astir wherefore I person to beryllium much cautious with them than with caller clients who are women. I tin conscionable accidental nary to each of it. 

Recently, a caller lawsuit responded connected my intake signifier to, “How did you perceive astir me?” 

 “A friend. But, I truly responded to however your signifier is geared toward women. It makes maine consciousness harmless and supported.” 

Since making this change, I consciousness harmless arsenic well. I besides person a stronger consciousness of aforesaid now, and much to connection to my clients. I americium definite determination are men I volition crook distant who would person been fantastic clients, and that is sad. But saying nary to men successful my signifier was what I needed to heal.

This nonfiction primitively appeared connected HuffPost successful November 2025.